For anyone who has been participating in Nathan Bransford's First Page Contest, here is a revised version of my entry. Constructive criticism is welcome, trashing is not. :) Thank you, Chris
Simmatra, Estonia-Present Day
The smell of humans swirled over the village of Simmatra, teasing Rane’s nose with anticipation. The streets below were vacant, as if the villagers knew someone was going to die. The soul chaser needed a human spirit and this evening Rane wanted the perfect soul.
He flew through the doorway of a warmly lit house and found a witch’s brew simmering on the stove. A faint, yet lovely scent was lurking beneath the stink of the witch; the scent of his perfect soul. Rane’s hunger grew as he closed in on his prey. With wild eyes, the witch slid out from under the bed and scrambled to her feet.
The haggard woman held a small inverted cross out toward him and sneered, “You are not welcome here, soul chaser!”
Rane couldn’t help but grin. “I am no vampire, you senile old woman. Do what you like with that cross; it’s as useless as one of your spells.” He folded his arms casually across his trim chest.
“Get out, you hateful beast!” she spat, drawing her wand.
“I see you replaced your last twig,” Rane said.
Drahmia began chanting and swirling her new wand in the cool air.
“Honestly Drahmia, I don’t understand why you always want to challenge me. It would make much more sense for us to work together.”
“Work together! I am a healer and you are a spirit thief. You stole my mother’s soul, Stuart Rane. There’s no way in hell I will ever help you.”
“Right,” Rane said, “you always forget that she ran at me with a hacksaw. I had no choice but to fight back.”
“We had an agreement, a mutual respect,” she said through clenched teeth. “You ruined that when you took my mother. I will not rest until I find a way to stop you.”
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6 comments:
Ooo, I get to be the first one?
I'll start off by saying I wanted more. The good part of wanting more is that I wanted to read more. The bad part of wanting more is that it felt a little thin. I would have tolerated less plot development for a few more details that would enrich the opening. Where you put those details is up to you. I wouldn't plump all the items in the following list because then the story's movement would grind to a halt. I think it would be great if you chose a few and gave your readers hints and teasers and textures that bring them to life.
The village--in the mountains? Valley? Is it beside a river? I travel and I've seen many different kinds of villages. Some have all the same kind of roofing, even the same kind of architecture on all the houses, making it look strange to an American eye (think some of the 'picturesque' German villages.) What's their industry/means of support? Do they rely on livestock? Are there mills? Is there a lot of trade (which often creates districts of different cultures, which translates to a hodgepodge or even segregated look) ... You get the idea.
A haggard, senile old woman who's a witch. All these descriptors are so familiar in reference to witches that they're almost invisible. The inverted cross is a great detail that I loved, but for me it implied something that you may not have meant. I came up with this whole Christian/Reverse-Christian religion and I wanted clues that either dispelled this idea or gave me some other reason why she held the cross upsidedown. What is it about her that makes her a witch? Is it religious? Is she an herb wife? Can she do magic? Clearly there's magic on this world but I don't see any evidence of her being capable of it, since he's unafraid of her wand. I think he's just immune, but at this point I don't know what she can do.
House is another opportunity. House is a general term. I got an image of something more like a cottage, because of the village setting, but you could get unusual with this, or add some details that give me hints about the witch's status and personality.
Oops, warm house, but she waves her wand in the cool air.
I like that her mother came after him with a hacksaw a lot, but I have a hard time imagining it. If I saw something on him, evidence of her attack, I might have a better picture of what happened. On the other hand, is this the kind of place where a hacksaw is readily available to grab? Or was she working with it before she attacked him? Also, was this a long time ago or recent? This woman is old, and he attacked her mother. Her mother was either ancient or this happened when this woman was young. This isn't something you need to explain so early, but they're thoughts in my mind as I read this, and I want to trust that you know the answers even if you don't give me the answers until much later (or never.)
I know Rane wants them to team up. I know she's said no way in hell before (so they have a hell in this universe?) so what's different now that makes Rane want to try again? Is he getting more desperate? Is this just a social call? We know what's at stake for the witch. The death of her mother is a powerful force in this scene. What lacks power is Rane's presence here. Personally, I'd have to be at the end of my rope before I went asking the daughter of someone I'd killed for help. Also, does he feel guilty about doing it? So far it seems he doesn't care about anything or anyone, and that makes him a little less interesting than the witch.
I hope my comments help out. There's so much possibility in this opening. Maybe I'll see it in print someday!
Kami,
Your comments are so helpful, thank you so much for taking the time to do that. I have removed so much detail from the first page, so I have plenty of little things that I can put back in here and there. You are awesome for helping me with this. Let me know if you'd ever like me to read something of yours.
Hi Chris,
Two suggestions. First paragraph I wasn't sure if Rane was a man or woman and I like to visualize immediately (This is a side note -I was at a SF conference last weekend and listed to a lecture by Orson Scott Card and he said you have to decide right at the start who you are going to be writing about -man or women -cause OSC said if you have ever met someone whose gender you couldn't tell, when you talking with that person you are totally distracted trying to figure out which sex they are)so personally I would prefer it if you revealed earlier that Rane is a 'he'. I would suggest you switch the order so that you say 'the soul chaser's nose' first sentence and third sentence starts 'Rane' and later 'he' 'wanted the perfect soul' so that right away you know he's a he. Then I think the transition into the second paragraph is easier, because on my first read I did stop there and go back and check to see if the 'he' was a reference back to Rane in the first paragraph.
Only other quibble is with adjective 'trim' for chest. IMO it is not strong or visual enough.
So, now I'm giving you mine (2nd time tonight -from Nathan's blog I just visited Kami's blog and posted it there.) I'm having lots of fun right now. However the bubble is going to burst now, cause I've never, ever been critiqued before. Hope I'm up for the criticisms. I'm learning from following these blogs that it would be a good idea for me to find a writers' group to participate in this sort of forum on a regular basis.
Thanks for inviting fellow contestants to exchange their work.
Here goes...I grimace...
PAY ATTENTION!
Several of the children found it hard to pay attention, whispering and shifting in their seats. The noise prompted Mrs. Bradshaw to purse her lips and make a sharp SSH! At the front of the classroom the gnome-like guest ignored the goings on behind him and continued to make various marks on the blackboard. When the board was covered, the little man turned to face the children who now sat straighter and regarded him with curiosity.
Greetman cleared his throat and said in a high-pitched voice, "Darlings, you have been selected to participate in the Kaset correction project. Today we search among you for those who will find themselves in the K, and bring order to the K. If you are chosen, this will become clear. Now please look at the board and concentrate. Let your eyes see everything I have written. Study the pictures and letters and then raise your hand if something strikes you as important.”
The children were quiet as if absorbed in a game and Mrs. Bradshaw, nodding with satisfaction now that they were behaving themselves, smiled at Greetman.
But seconds later she gave a start when little, blonde Leati raised her hand. Greetman, his expression unchanged, went to the six year old girl’s desk. Beside her, his red eyes were level with hers. “Yes, Leati darling, what do you see?”
Leati pointed to the centre of the board. “I see my name.”
“Yes, my pet. Come show me.”
Together they walked to the front of the room, Greetman hobbling alongside the pale child. She stood and pointed with a small finger to a picture of a square and five vowels.
“Ah, yes. Words in a box. Well, there you go then. Find yourself.” And he reached over and placed a blue veined hand on top of her head as she looked up at him, her eyes shiny and clear. In an instant she was gone.
There were gasps from a few of the children, but most continued to stare in bewilderment at the blackboard. Mrs. Bradshaw watched, her smile hardening, her eyes suddenly reflecting less light. Greetman took a brush and wiped away the image of the square with the vowels from the blackboard. He set the brush back down and glanced about the room once more.
Another hand shot up. Mrs. Bradshaw jumped the tiniest bit in her chair. She breathed “Oh, please no, not Silvi!”
Greetman rushed over to the dark haired little girl in the front row.
“Yes, darling, you see something too?”
“Yes Mr. Greetman.” With self–assurance she stood, walked to the board, placed her finger on a picture of an eye and said “I’m here.”
“Oh! Excellent! The clear path. Well, off with you then.” His hand rested on her dark curls only a moment. Then she was gone.
Mr. Greetman looked over at Mrs. Bradshaw who no longer smiled.
“Almost finished” he said, thrusting his out chest and bouncing on his heels, unable to contain his glee.
Hi Rosemary,
Thank you so much for reading my first page. It's so eye opening to get feedback from others.
I just read Pay Attention and really enjoyed it, very cool idea. Of course I'm dying to know what happened to the children. I think you chose a wonderful way to start your story, I'm definitely hooked.
Chris
Chris, I was delighted to read your positive response. Thank you!
Regards,
Rosemary
Hi Rosemary,
What I can say about putting your work out there is that it is a good thing. But, take the critiques you get with a grain of salt, good or bad. Because ultimately, it's your work. I have had mine critiqued on several sites and if I took all the advice that I've received, my book would be a mess. One person suggests one thing while another suggests the opposite. So, stay true to yourself, but take what others say into consideration. Good luck and I'd love to hear more about your work.
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